Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
being pregnant is like rehab
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
