When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
