I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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