It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize