Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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