im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
