I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
