I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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