that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Come on in and take your pants off
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
