as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize