An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
