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Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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