He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
