He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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