your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
