I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
