he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
