i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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