I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Holy shit dude........stairs
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
