I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
