Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
