my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize