My sheets look like a crime scene.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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