My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize