literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
