I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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