that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
