So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
