Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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