i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
