...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
