Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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