Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Success! We fucked roommates!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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