Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize