good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize