You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
