And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
