This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
