FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
