I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
