i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
