I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
