I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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