if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
