Sry I called you an 8
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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