I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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