I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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