Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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