You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
