I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I smell stomach acid.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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