I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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