Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Well I just put wine in my tea
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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