Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
