so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
