so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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