My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
