You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude i'm inner monologue high
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
