he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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