You can't special order awesome
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You are the jesus of drinking
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
