You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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