I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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