if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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