also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
